Healing Chronicles Part 1
I remember the day my baby brother was born. I was so excited when I received the phone call from my dad. He told me we have three names in mind, which one do you like best? Immediately, without thinking I said “Evan!” I wanted to be extra pretty for my new baby brother, so I went to the hair salon to get my hair done. I had her put three French rolls in my hair and green glitter on each one. When I got to the hospital, I was so excited to hold Evan. I didn’t realize that the green glitter I loved so much was now all over my baby brother. He had green glitter in his hair, and on both sides of his cheeks. I didn’t care, I loved him so and he was perfect, just perfect.
As Evan grew older, somehow, he thought he was the big brother. I had to remind him often that I was the big sister. I wasn’t afraid of gentleman meeting my dad so much as I was for them to meet Evan. He loved me and was truly my protector.
I write today out of an aching heart. I can’t even begin to explain how angry my flesh is. I know that might not be the Christian thing to say, but I just don’t understand why God took him at the height of his journey. I wanted to see him experience his wedding day, the birth of his first child and celebrate him receiving his doctoral degree. My flesh wants me to see this as despair and defeat. As close as I walk with the Lord, this in one thing I can’t seem to wrap my head around.
There are times I look at my phone thinking he will call me any minute. There are times when I stare at his pictures and can feel his presence. Grief is truly a sibling of torment. Just when I think I have made a slight gain forward, I hear a song or read something about my brother and it takes me right back to ground zero.
Even though I won’t be able to celebrate those physical moments with Evan, I can and I will make sure his legacy lives on. You can't go through something like this and depend on your own strength or intellect. It takes faith in God to get you through the undescribed, unthinkable and incomprehensible. One night I was crying my eyes dry and the Lord wrapped his arms around me and told me to “take strength, Evan is safe!” There are something's you will go through in life that not even the wisest of men can’t comfort; and believe me to bury my brother, who was full of life, is one of the hardest things I have ever been through.
For the next several weeks, I will be blogging my stages of grief. I think I will call it “The Healing Chronicles.” I have always found safety in writing and I know it allows me to stay honest to my heart. Please join me on this journey. We will laugh and cry together, but one thing is for certain, we will draw closer to God, even when it hurts.
My brother lived a full life, not in respect of his age, but because he said yes to Jesus. I am fully persuaded that even as I write with a broken heart, the Love of Jesus conquers all. The last text Evan sent me he said, “Hey sis, Happy New Year! I will see you at the top of the year.” You know what? He was right; because as far as I am concerned, you can’t go any higher than heaven.